Life after Divorce?

You and your spouse have split up after a very long marriage!  You did not envision the change.  It’s a painful combination of grief, fear, anger, humiliation, disbelief, sadness, failure and disappointment

You spend hours thinking of ways to win your spouse back, getting counseling to help with your grief, making lists of what you did wrong and trying to talk with your spouse about how to put things right.

Meanwhile, your spouse treats you like someone with a highly contagious fatal disease and looks at you as if you smell like cow manure.

Little by little you wake up to the fact that your life has changed.  There’s no going back.  You begin to see that by resisting change you havn’t noticed the opportunities opening up to you. This awakening flows over you like warm sunshine.  The heavy feelings of fear and loss are replaced by the lightness of freedom and optimism.  With new perspective you change your behaviour.

You focus on things in your life that are special … your children, family, friends, job, hobbies and interests long forgotten.  Your lists and journal entries change to what you did not receive from your previous relationship, what you would like from your next relationship, what qualities you would like in your next partner.

You begin to take an interest in YOU.  After some time, you feel ready for the D work …. dating!  Dating … how to begin?  It’s been a long time since your last date.  You know that seeking a lasting love takes time.  The early dating experiences allow you to “get your feet wet”.  Help you to learn about the do’s and dont’s.  You want a relationship that will be fulfilling and dont want to settle for the first person who comes along

The first date comes along and the excitement gives you butterflies.  Things go smoothly until the person mentions that they are married with two young children.  You explain that obviously you are not looking for the same kind of relationship.  Bad start.

The second date goes better but your conversation runs cold.  These sort of dating experiences continue.  You are happy in the new life you have made for yourself and dont feel lonely.

 One day you put your profile and picture on an internet dating site.  Oh, what fun it turns out to be!

You begin connecting with people all over the world and making friends.  You are surprised at the quality of people that you meet along the way.  After all, you had heard how only desperate people use the internet for dating.  Soon you are meeting internet acquanitances for coffee or dinner.  You feel fantastic about the whole thing.  Time goes by.  You meet many wonderful people, have great times and grow as a person.

Then, you see a profile on the dating site you havn’t seen before.  It really stands out as the profile of someone special.  The words are magnetic to you.  You contact the person and they reply.

The two of you bounce emails back and forth for a couple of weeks and then you start phoning each other.  The more the two of you learn about each other, the more connected you feel.  You feel that this person is looking for the same things in a romance that you are; and has the emotional maturity, loyalty and integrity required to make a romantic parthership work long term.  It dawns on you that this person has many of the qualities on your list that you are looking for in a potential partner.

Over time your phone friendship evolves into a romance?  complete with physical chemistry.  How can this be?  You havn’t even been in the same room with this person!

The day arrives and you meet for the first time.  The person looks better than their picture, better than you expected?

Is there a moral to this story?  Abolutely!

Change happens whether you like it or not.  The quicker you stop resisting change, the quicker you will start enjoying it!  There are tons of opportunities for love out there, even if you are 40, 50, 60 and beyond.  Dont settle for less than fantastic, just to avoid being alone.  Look around to find qualiy people even in unconventional places.  Be open and ready to accept love when it hits you over the head!

Your online love – reading between the lines of their messages

You’ve met someone great online.  The two of you seem to be a perfect match and you cant wait to get their next message.  But how do you know if he/she truly likes you and their intentions are serious.  How do you know they are not just a penpal and a waste of time?  Here are some signs to be aware of before you decide if the one you’re communicating with might be the right person for you:

Communication

Dating online is never easy.  Online dating is a completely different way of communicating compared with face to face.  You dont see the body language of the person concerned and you dont know how they react to things that you share in your correspondence.  The only thing you have is messages, so how do you find out if those messages show his/her interest in you?  In fact even a simple letter can tell you so much about the person and their intentions.

 Good signs:  He/she asks you questions

A person that is really interested in getting to know you will always ask questions about you, your family, friends, work and daily life.  If he/she is seriously interested, she does’nt reply just to be polite, they will always make comments on what you have written.  He/she will try to express their opinion on this or that point, give you some advice or express their sympathy or support etc.  They will talk openly about their life, plans for the future, ambitions, finances, fears, children, past relationships.  He or she will compliment and praise you.

If he/she is really serious about you they will always compliment you on your character traits, physical appearance, achievements in life and the way you treat her etc.  They will be openly honest with you about their feelings and will always try to reply to you promptly.

This shows that the person concerned is eager to receive your next communication and enjoys your correspondence.

Warning signs:

The only thing he/she asked about you was your favourite colour or favourite film.  They dont tell you how they feel about you and never shares their plans for the future with you.  They promise to answer your questions or to make comments on some very important issue that you have mentioned, in their next letter, but it never happens.  They always make an excuse for their late reply or short answer.

Relationships

Any relationship can rarely survive without mutual support, care, understanding and trust.  Every person who has genuine interest in another will try to share happy and sad moments together, support and encourage each other.  So is it serious or are you just living in a dream world?

Good Signs:  In a crisis he/she tries to support you and say words of encouragement.

Expressing their care and concern to your achievements, problems or faults will show that they are not indifferent to you.

He/she drops the “I” or “you” and starts referring as “we”.  This means your online love considers you both as a whole.  They expect having common aims to reach, plans to fullfill, problems to solve and moments to share.  The other person starts sharing small details of her life with you, even work affairs an what they had for lunch.  This is particularly relevant for her as she will try to share even small details of her life with you in order to feel you are closer with a hope you do the same in return. 

He/She wants to develop your relationship.  Your online love doesn’t just want to exchange letters with you, they want to speak with you on the phone and start to talk about a future meeting and life together. 

Warning Signs:

He/she doesn’t pay any attention to what you share with her not matter how important it is to you.  In their messages to you they speak only about themselves and their life and dont show interest in you and your routine.  They never speak about the possibility of taking the relationship to a more serious level, do not seem interested in speaking with you on the phone and try to avoid any kind of questions relating to the subject.

Attention

Attention is a very important part of relationships.  When there is lack of attention for the other person it is replaced by indifference and loss of interest.  It is important to show how much you care for your partner and especially on special occasions and dates that are important to them.

Good signs:

Your online love mentions friends and family that you have previously told them about.  This shows that they are not just interested in you, but in everything and everyone that makes up your life.  In their messages to you they ask, not only about you, but about people who are important to you.  That special person will remember your birthday, Christmas, Valentines day and special occasions.  They will send you a parcel by post or an e-card to express how they feel.

Warning Signs:

They only remember your birthday when you have told them what a great party you had.  They are never interested in names, ages and interests of your close friends or family.  They dont remember what city you are from.

These Good and Warning signs are very helpful not only in finding out about the level of interest in you, but it is a very useful key to improve the way you treat your special online person.  Show interest in your communications, ask questions about their life, share your opinions and give advice to questions that are important to them, show you care by sending some special gifts from you and NEVER forget – if you want a strong and healthy relationship you must work on it!! 

Be aware and objective about your relationship.  If you cant nurture it, then it may be time to stop.  If its strong, then build upon mutual respect, attention and communication – it will only make it stronger.